running blade – Stepping out in Faith

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.”
Helen Keller

That hill you see before me was quite intimidating. As you can see by my head down, my focus wasn’t on the long, incline ahead, just the next step right before me. Going in to this Rock n Roll 10K I had preconcieved notions of what “my” race was going to look like. Several months ago I was sure I was going to be running every step with ease, then as it drew closer I realized that my socket wasn’t fitting properly and I had gotten sore and banged up a little from every day use. Such is the life for an amputee, especially during the first year. During the first year or so the limb is constantly changing and shrinking. For me, I have been so active and getting back to my routine that I have change in my limb throughout the day.

Getting back to this race before me. One of the hardest things for me to do is to admit if I have overshot my goals. I’m a perfectionist and very strict with my goal setting. This is good AND bad. It’s good because I believe that being hard on myself has helped me, especially this past year, focus on positive outcomes and not on the pain and challenges of my new norm. However, if I’ve ever come to a point in which I know that a goal just can’t be reached, in MY timeframe, I struggle with disappointment and feel like I’ve let myself down. This is bad and can be self-destructive.

This 10K race was the first goal, since my amputation, that I knew I wasn’t going to shine at and achieve….not the way I had visualized it anyway. I wasn’t competing with others, I was competing with myself, and I wasn’t going to win. While I was on this long road, head down in deep thought, I did a lot of self-talk. I had to find a way to finish with my head held high. This was the moment I knew that I was out of my comfort zone and where God was stretching my resolve and building character within me. He knew the struggle within me and now, in the midst of this trial, He was working on me; making me a better version of myself. As Helen Keller stated above, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet »

Needless to say, I finished my 10K as an above knee amputee. I drew positives out of it; for example, I have never walked that pace for that long. I endured nerve pain, like no other, to accomplish that and I never gave up! I was able to put in a few running strides and gave my running blade some purpose. I had beautiful friends surrounding me throughout the race who gave me the space I needed to think through my mental game but also knew exactly when I needed some conversation to distract me from the pain. Best of all, I finished! I looked up, saw the finish line, smiled and pushed forward strong. People cheered for me, people I didn’t even know (they probably saw the pain on my face, and surely noticed my ginerly gate) and gave me high fives. It was then that I realized what I had accomplished. And I did it for me! I am proud of myself and the perseverance it took for me to push myself 6.2 miles. I am grateful for the friend who challenged me to this race a week before my amputation, a year ago. I am so thankful to my PTs and medical staff that joined me in this quest. It was hard, so very hard, but when pushed against the ropes I can say that I came out victorious and a better person for it. I learned more about who I am in those moments of pain and weakness than I could ever just sitting back and watching life pass by.

The true goal may never have been to «finish » the race but to find out who I am, to see who God created me to be. Whatever your « race » in life, just know that it’s not about the finish line, but the journey. Each one of us has our own hurdles and struggles. We must not give up! It is in these trials that we experience the most growth within ourselves. Be Bold! Focus on the next step! Never give up! You may surprise yourself on the road you end up walking. Use those hard moments to strengthen your soul. Enjoy the journey, I know I am!

Have you ever had a moment when everything became crystal clear and you could see what’s holding you back from being your best, achieving a goal, or moving forward?

Yep, that happened to me this morning. It’s not the first time and I know it won’t be the last.

You need to know something about me. I am a perfectionist and highly competitive (with myself and with others). As an amputee I have realized that this has been amplified! You hear people say ‘you can’t do this’, ‘you won’t be able to do that’, and you even have doctors tell you, “You’ll never walk again.” (Yes, that happened to me when I was trying to decide to have the surgery). Every day I face fears. Fears of not being good at something, fears of falling on my face-literally! Fears that I won’t measure up to my own standards. I am not a patient person, but I am working on that…rather, God is working on that in me.

Back to today. I decided to put my running blade on right away this morning, hoping that it would motivate me to get out there and practicing running. It took a little while but I grabbed my backpack, donned my new wrist guards (falling is especially painful on the wrists), grabbed some gum and my music. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do or where I was going to go but after walking down my block, bladed unlocked and in full free swing, I decided that today I was going to try my hand at another 5K, this time trying to run as much of it as possible.

Now, I live in a big community where every path I take is in full view of a million cars rushing by. Fear #1: If you fall, EVERYONE will see! Fear #2: Why can’t you look like you’ve been running before? Your gate is goofy and no one who sees you will understand that you have just started to relearn running.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s all about MY journey and where I’m at in that journey. I know this should only matter to me, but remember, I’m a perfectionist. The problem with being a perfectionist is that we never allow ourselves time to get better. For me, I want to be good at whatever I do, as soon as I do it. Did I tell you I can be impatient, too?

Remember above, when I asked if you have ever had a moment of clarity? Here comes mine for today….

After running for about 1 mile I decided to stop on the side of the road to add a layer of padding in my socket. I have to sit down, take off my blade, add another sock to my limb and replace the blade, making sure it’s fitting right so I can start running again. I grabbed my backpack, began to walk and feel how the leg was fitting when I realized that there was a odd fit in the back of my socket so, MID STRIDE, I decided to grab hold and pull up, which put my blade too far behind me and I hit the toe and the knee crumpled! Down I went! As I tried to “roll out of the fall” I took my right shin into the carbon fiber blade which left a beautiful blue bruise rising out of my shin. This happened right on one of the busiest roads we have in our community, many cars were driving by, and my only thought was, “Get up, pretend that didn’t just happen.” It’s embarrassing! My #1 fear, realized.

BUT, this is when clarity struck. As if the Holy Spirit spoke softly to me, I could hear a voice say to me, “It’s ok, this makes you stronger as you realize you are weak without me. Stay focused on the big picture.” I realized in that moment, as tears welled up in my eyes, that I allowed Fear and Pride to inhibit me. I cannot perform to my best ability when I am fearful or prideful. If I could just remember that God was in control, I could accomplish anything! Those tears were not because of physical pain but of emotional release of the epiphany I just had in the midst of a trial. God uses those moments to teach. He teaches us that alone we are weak but with Him all things are possible.

I love the verse: “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

Those fears are what we see when we are in the dark, when we let our guard down and forget to look up to the one who created us and loves us.

Do you let fear or pride stop you from experiencing life? Do they keep you from trying new things or living free? “Stop fearing and start living”- this is a mantra I am trying to live by. Everyday I need to remind myself that fear is imagined and pride is not helping me. Today, I was reminded of how quickly I revert back to fearful living. This takes a lot of practice and being present in each moment.

I am grateful for the bruise on my leg today. It will be a constant reminder, this coming week, of how I need to be present more often in each moment and how fear can stop me from succeeding at what I want in life.

Be a WARRIOR not a WORRIER!