In the Beginning…

Faith, Goals, Attitude.

This is my answer when people ask me how I manage, or when they wonder how I can be so happy through losing my leg. It is a choice I make everyday when I wake. Hold on, I just realized that most of you don’t know me, or my story, and that I better back up and give you insight to the last 6 1/2 years of my life. It hasn’t always been easy or filled with goals being reached, but my God has undeniably always been there for me.

I am the youngest of 5, three of those siblings being brothers. I grew up defending myself, fending off football tackles and outrunning them to avoid being the bottom of a dog pile. I grew up determined and stubborn, always looking to prove myself.

I married my high school sweetheart and have two handsome sons (yep, I’m biased!). At 40 years old I decided to get back to karate, and worked hard to get through my testing for my 2nd degree black belt. That’s when my life changed, forever, and when I needed to rely on faith and God to save me from myself.

During the sparring portion of my testing I heard a pop in my knee and felt a pain like I had never felt before. This is were “stubborn and determined” came in… I continued with the rest of my testing, not able to stand on my left leg, so I used it to kick. I wanted this so bad! I did finish my testing, but the next day the doctor told me I had torn my MCL. The good news was that this didn’t require surgery, just some PT for a few weeks. The bad news, after four weeks of PT I was no better, actually worse. THIS was just the beginning. In July, I had hamstring augmentation surgery to fix my MCL, with a meniscus clean up. In September I had a manipulation to break up scar tissue plus ANOTHER meniscus clean up, and by December I had a femur resurfacing! No one knew why I struggled to heal. No one knew why I was in so much pain, it just didn’t make sense.

This was the beginning of my challenges but also the beginning of my faith journey. This was when I knew I had to rely on something more than myself.

Fast forward a few years and I had now been to several surgeons, and had multiple surgeries to “fix” what was wrong. I had done a full knee replacement by 44, and a full revision on that knee by 45. That was when I noticed in my reports the use of the word Arthrofibrosis; hyper-scarring. I started to do research on this condition, only to find out that there wasn’t a lot you could do for it. There were just a few doctors throughout the United States that even dealt with it, but NOT if you’d had a knee replacement. I had tried everything to “fix” myself, and I mean everything! I did PT for 6 1/2 years, I had done needling, acupuncture, cupping, eastern medicine, scopes. If someone suggested something, I gave it a try. I had surgeons astounded at all that I had done to help myself, but there was nothing else for me, nothing else I could try. I couldn’t bend my knee past 40º, and couldn’t straighten it past 20º. I had no range of motion, and all the pain. God help me if I caught my toe on a rug! The pain that I would experience would be excruciating. I could no longer go for walks with my dogs, no more skiing with my family, forget hiking, and there was no more biking as I couldn’t bend my knee enough to pedal. The more I walked the more swollen and painful my leg would get. This is where I feel God really came into my life. I mean, I knew He was always there, but there was something different now. There was a connection like I had never felt before, a closeness.

I spent most of these years trying to get better, trying to find a way out of this mess. I kept myself busy with appointments, PT, and homeschooling my two boys. I kept looking for the positive, trying to keep my chin up, but there were a few moments that I remember standing in the shower, tears rolling down my face, wondering why this had happened and blaming myself. Regret that I had screwed up, and that I wasn’t a good enough wife or mother because of all the surgeries and times laid up.

God brought me to my knees.

I had been reduced to nothing, and that’s when I really started to see and feel God’s presence in my trials. They say when you are in a valley that all that’s left is looking up. And that’s what I did.

Was it easy? Is it easy? No way! I am human, and I am weak. I stumbled back to fears and guilt and worry, but I fought for my relationship with God. I felt that He had something more for me, for my life. I needed to go through this to fulfill His plan for my life. That was when I embraced the journey, and that was when joy was restored.

I continued on the path of surgery, PT, healing, decline, back to surgery and all over again. Sometimes I felt discouraged, A LOT of times I felt discouraged, but I kept plunging ahead. With each new direction I took, with each new surgeon who would look at my case, and with every person I encountered along this path, I realized I was meant to meet them, and my life gained new meaning, this journey gained a purpose. I could start seeing how God could and would use me, if only I continued to have faith in Him. I chose to see God working in these moments, it almost became a game to see where each new encounter would lead me or how each person would contribute to this path I was on. It wasn’t until more recently that I saw how God used me in their lives as well.

I knew, without a doubt, that His plans for me were unfolding. He used the fact that I was an active person, who tied up my identity in being strong, athletic, and self-reliant when in reality I just needed to identify as His daughter. I have been humbled and broken, so I could be remade. This is my story.

To be continued…

Where are you in your life? Who are you in your story, in your journey?

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This is me!

Today is the first day. A first day for all new things and new possibilities! When I wake up and get my leg on I realize that this is who I am, now and forever. I also realize that anything can happen. This morning I started my day differently, I put on my running blade. Today was the day, I was going outside, pushing fear aside and running…. for real! What you need to know about me is that I am a perfectionist and I like to challenge myself ALL THE TIME! However, fear can be crippling and although I’ve had my running blade for about a month and a half I’ve only really walked on it. I mean, yeah, I did a few “joggy” steps (I call them leaps) and only late at night when no one would see me.  I mean, what if I looked silly? Worse yet, what if I fell?? In front of people!! No way, not me. I never wanted to have people see me NOT succeed.  Well, I realized that without failure there can be no success. We cannot learn by successes and if I truly want to be transparent (One of my words for the year) then I surely need to swallow pride and be real, be me in the moment.

Now, what I have learned from being transparent, thus far, in this juncture of my life is that I can motivate others. People relate to “real”, they connect with transparency. If I want to reach others, share my story, and show there is hope to tragedy and setbacks, then I must walk the walk.

Today, when I woke and decided to put on my running blade instead of my walking leg, I made a conscience decision to put it all out there and go All In!  I must tell you, my stomach churned and my fears were high. I actually walked around in front of my house about 10-15 minutes before I decided to go for it. Was it pretty? NO! Did I run a long distance? No! Did it hurt? In more ways than you’ll ever know. But I did it! I stopped several times to rest my leg but I would start up again. Sometimes I’d tell myself, “Get to the end of the block, you can do that. Don’t stop til you get there.” That positive self talk was powerful. Baby steps the whole way. Normally, I’d be frustrated with myself for being so weak but I have a clearer vision for myself than I have ever had before. I have a God who has been beside me throughout this whole journey, and what a journey it has been!

I am proud of what I accomplished today because it was more than the day before. Tomorrow I will wake and there will be new possibilities for me, new goals to set and break, and a glorious God to praise for all that he has done for me out of His great love.

I hope to see you back here as I unpack how all this started for me over 6 1/2 years ago.

Leave a comment, share this with someone you know who needs encouragement. I pray that you find my story helpful in some way.

God Bless!