Freedom- An Amputee’s Perspective

Today, I come to you from a place of weathering the storm. Today, I have seen my freedom of mobility threatened and then restored. Today, I want to talk about Freedom.

Hello, and I apologize for being absent for so long. As you know 2020 has brought many challenges to everyone and it seems to have kept me so busy that I hadn’t gotten back to my blog writing in a few months. A ton has happened since I last wrote about my hiking expeditions I was having all summer long, so please forgive me for being long winded.

A few months ago, probably around the time that I last wrote, I was blessed with getting fitted for a brand new skin fit socket. My residual limb had changed so much that I no longer fit in my socket from February. And as with every socket, my prosthetist, Randy, humors me with the freedom to design it (even though I make it challenging, he complies- I secretly think he loves the challenges). That alone, gets me excited for my new socket. I make my own vinyl decals, go to my automotive paint guy, Scott, and pick out my dazzling paint and bring everything to Randy, then I impatiently wait for him to create.

This was my newest socket, BEFORE I started to feel the intense pains. Lookout Mountain, Phoenix

When everything is ready I go in for my fitting and then leave with my shiny, new leg. It’s like my birthday or Christmas every time. If you saw my video on the creation of this socket, you already knew I got a new one just a couple of months ago. If you didn’t get to see this video I made, you can check it out Here. I’ve stated that I believe Randy works miracles with every fitting, it’s true, however even he can’t predict how my tissue will behave inside these fits after I beat the heck out of my leg with all I do. Something that I have been fighting off and on since January was a pain on the back of my residual limb whenever I went out walking hard or running for long distances. It was frustrating, even though I knew I was in the best shape of my life, I was unable to log more than 2 miles without having the mental, physical, and emotional battle of fight through pain. So…..

I went to see my doctor who performed the amputation, worried that I had a neuroma (a big bundle of nerves that gets banged up and pissed off every time I work out). He sent me for an MRI and sure enough, there was one on the back of my limb! Here’s where things take a turn for the worse.

But first, a little back story for you all. Before my amputation in December 2018 I had 8 years of surgeries on my knee and tried everything for pain management. My final strategy, to reduce pain, was inserting a neurotransmitter under my skin on my lower back that would continually send signals to my brain that there was no pain. It didn’t totally work for me but I knew amputation was on the horizon and it is considered the #1 pain relief management tool for amputees (especially if you’d like to be off opioids and pain meds).

For me to get an MRI they had to do it a little differently since I have this in my body. When I went it for the MRI I had to turn off the neurotransmitter for safety reasons. This is the first time it’s been turned off since my amputation. Well, needless to say, it HAD been working to subside pain, because I now was feeling phantom sensations I hadn’t before. Once I was done with the MRI I was able to turn it back on, however, it didn’t seem to effect me right away so I continued to feel the buzzing and irritation of the phantom sensations. At night I couldn’t sleep because my “foot” wouldn’t stop tingling and at times would make me jump, repeatedly, as if my “foot” was being stabbed! Not only that but I also began to get incredibly sharp, stabbing pains in a whole new location, on the inside of my “knee” where I don’t even have a knee. I tell people that it feels like someone taking a knife into my leg, and with every step I get stabbed again, and again, and again. However, it wasn’t every step. It would hit me here and there, then I’d be fine, turn a corner in my kitchen and get my breathe taken away as it attacked me once again. I became gun shy with every step, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t even bring myself to going to the grocery store. I felt like a prison in my own mind.

Most of you probably wonder why I would even put on my leg, in the first place if I was feeling these pains, and I would tell you that I wanted my FREEDOM and I wasn’t about to give it up. This pain wasn’t going to dictate my path. I wouldn’t cave and become weakened by this “phase”. Unfortunately, though, I wasn’t able to get out and walk, hike, run, anything! This was killing me! Randy and I got together and talked for a couple hours about what was happening. I showed him my problem areas and he came up with a plan to elongate my socket a bit to give room at the end of my limb. He wanted to wait, though, for the outcome of the MRI so he knew exactly what we were working with. When you are feeling these types of pains and fears, every hour, every day feels like an eternity. Now I had to wait for appointments and results just to move forward. I had no idea how long I would be dealing with this problem. To say I was in a bad place would be an understatement.

As suspected the MRI came back with an obvious neuroma exactly where we thought, but still had no answer to the sharp pains on the inside of my limb, in an area that wasn’t even there anymore. My doctor sent me to a plastic surgeon that works on nerve pains. He knew exactly what my issues were, told me that he can help but I would have to be out of my socket for 3-4 weeks to heal. Ugh!! I know in the long run this is better for me but I am NOT good at sitting around, plus the idea of another surgery really isn’t they top of my list of things I can’t wait to do….AGAIN!

Once I let Randy know my results of my MRI he told me he’d have a check socket ready for me to try out. I went in 2 weeks ago to try it on. I was, at this point, broken. I hadn’t done much of anything, physically, for over a week and had dealt with a ton of pain. Well, let me tell you, I stand by my comment that I think Randy uses magic to make his sockets because as soon as I put it on I felt great! I was a little leary, knowing that walking gently on a check socket, between parallel bars is different than me taking off on a 2 mile, fast paced walk, so Randy casted up the “joint” and said I could take it home and try it out for a week. I had never done that before, with a check socket, and was very excited to take it out for a spin, so off I went, with a new lease on life. To say I was excited for this opportunity was an understatement.

My check socket with casting material around the end for added support.

When I got home, do you know the first thing I did? I grabbed my backpack and took off for a long, hard walk, to really test the fit of this new socket. I put in 2 miles and had ZERO pain!!! That weekend I did another 2 miles, then went on a 2+ mile hike. I got on my scooter and cruised around, as well. NO PAIN! I had my freedom back, and it felt great! I went out everyday for some sort of exercise and was thankful for my mobility once again. Ahhh, freedom!

Out hiking with my check socket on. A smile on my face the whole way! This changed everything for me!

Freedom. What’s it mean to you? For some of you reading this, you too, are an amputee and can totally relate to the freedoms I’m talking about. The freedom to move whenever, wherever we want without limitations or needing help. The freedom of living the life you’d once had or want to have. The freedom to show everyone that you are NOT disabled, but just as abled as you ever were. For some of you, it means something different. Freedom of choice, freedom from addiction, freedom from abuse, freedom to be who you want to be. In the end freedom feels good. And once we have experienced freedom then we want it all the time, never to return to what was holding us back. And that’s where I’m at, making this decision to lose some freedoms, in the short term, in hopes that I will regain it all back for the long haul. The uncertainty of surgery and how this could effect my limb, and having concerns for set backs is on the forefront of my mind. Am I right in going through this yet again? And I thought I was past all of this! HA!

Freedom is so important to our mental health. It can make us wake up in the morning ready to take on the day or put us in a downward spiral if it is taken away. It’s amazing how much I took my movement, as an amputee, for granted and how much being active has meant to me. I am truly blessed with an amazing medical team around me, and how they all take my life and my happiness upon themselves. But, I know many of you don’t have that support. I know that life tries to knock you down, but you must fight for your life, happiness, freedoms. You are the only one who controls that. You choose to ask for help when needed or not. You can choose to grab life by the horns and embrace what has been thrown your way or not. Whatever you choose to do, just don’t give up.

As I write this I am in my old socket and feeling the pains resurface, praying they don’t become unbearable again. As I write this I am about three days until my new socket is ready! Three more days!! Woohoo! I’m excited about having the better fitting socket back and getting back to my freedom of movement. Until then I must remain patient, stay positive, and remember that this too shall pass.

The Limb Center. These guys are amazing. Today I give back the check socket, make a few minor adjustments to it, and show Randy where I want ALL of my decals.

Randy West patiently trying to fit my designs on so it looks aesthetically pleasing.😏

As for the surgery, I’m about 100% on board for having it done because those nerves aren’t going away and will only cause more pain and distress later on for me. I am currently waiting on scheduling, with the tentative plan to have it done before the end of the year.

Never quit. Getting outside is good for the mind, body and soul.

As we come into the holiday season, I hope you all are doing well and able to find joy in the little things, exercise the freedoms you have, and are surrounded by loved ones. Remember those who struggle during this time and lend a helping hand. There’s nothing more rewarding than giving of yourself, even during your own trials. And if you’re reading this and are the one who is struggling, know that I am praying for you.

Be on the lookout for my new socket posts, and check out my Instagram angie_heuser for daily posts on what I’m up to. And I will end on this….

Above all else, laugh! Laughter is music to the soul.🥸

Balance: Living Your Best Life

Balance is not something you find. Balance is something you create.
-Anonymous

Grateful for my time away, this week, with my husband, my support, my soulmate. We took a couple of days to enjoy mindfulness, and peace and quiet to reconnect. This was my anniversary gift to him. We spent our time at Miraval Resorts in Tucson, Arizona. It was wonderful….and needed. You see, I have accomplished a lot this past year, since my amputation, but all of a sudden I realized that I had put all my focus on myself and getting better and achieving my goals, that I had left him back. Not my proudest moment, but thankful for realizing this and making the shift I needed to regain balance in my life once again.

You see, this hasn’t been just MY journey but my whole family’s journey, as well. Every surgery, every physical therapy and every doctor appointment my guys were by my side or giving me support. I am so fortunate for their strength these past 8 years, and I recognize how fortunate I am because not everyone has this in their life. Balance- we need it for walking, riding a bike, eating, everything in life. We also need to have it in our daily routines. Balancing work and play, is good for stress relief and for the soul. Balancing emotions keeps us from alienating friends and loved ones. Balancing our time between the people we love and time for ourselves. All are equally important but if not balanced, like stacking rocks on top of each other in perfect form, everything around us crumbs and falls apart.

Finding balance in life.
Each component in your life helps to create balance for other aspects, just like balancing rocks near a stream.

As I move forward into 2020; one year of being an amputee under my belt and many goals achieved, I can now put my energy for long term balance into my life. I will always set goals for myself and strive for more, but I must remember that the people around me; my husband, my two sons, are what matter most. We cannot forget those who have watched us struggle and suffer through our trials, they deserve our love, attention and support. I was off balance then, too, but in the opposite way. I spent so much of the past 8 years of injury trying my hardest not to be a burden that I had lost a little of who I was outside of being a wife and mom. I am more than that. We are created as multi-faceted beings. We wear different hats. We share a life with the people around us that we love, but we also have activities that we love and claim as our own. We must find a balance between each. That’s when we can find peace and happiness in our life; harmony/balance.

On top of the mountain. A moment of glory and a feeling of accomplishment.

I don’t know where you are in your journey. Maybe you are in a valley or maybe at the peak of a mountain, but in each of those points balance must be found. Step back and reassess where you’re putting all of your energy. When my husband and I had time away at Miraval Resort; time to put aside work, electronics and outside noises, we rediscovered each other and what we loved about one another. We had the opportunity to laugh, play, and rest. My wish for each of you is that you stop what you’re doing and put away the distractions in your life. Breathe, focus, find your center and reconnect to what is important to you. Find your balance. The balance that I have found in my life is amazing, it has created new life and happiness within my heart that no one can take away. You see, since my surgery I have not only rediscovered who I am but also have been able to redefine myself. I felt like I could be who ever I wanted to be now that I was mobile again. I felt like I had been reborn. However, I got so tangled up in this new life that I became off centered. I had forgotten about the people who stayed by my side during the valley in my life, but am blessed that they loved me so much that they stayed and supported me as I grew, changed, and achieved the things that made me happy.

We all go through trials in life, that’s just part of our journey. With the lows we can appreciate the highs. With experiencing highs, we can rest assured that when lows or trials hit us, we can get back up and rise. We know that, “this too, shall pass”. Keep looking for balance in your life. Remember to love on those who have walked the journey with you. They might not understand ALL that you have or will go through, but they have chosen to go through it WITH you. I am ever so grateful for my tribe and how they have stuck beside me through it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly. And remember, they are going through things, too. Balance will remind you to step back and get perspective. When you feel like your whole world is caving in on you, remember to find that balance. Not all things are going wrong, find the positive, see where you can rise, center yourself and redirect your thoughts. You may just realize, like I did, that you are being consumed by one thing, one thought. I was going the wrong direction and I needed to get back on track so I could live my best life. How about you? What has you off-centered? Do you need to refocus and find your balance?

I pray that this helps just one of you, realize that you’re not alone, that you are human, that it’s ok if you’ve lost direction or balance in your life. It’s never too late to regain your focus and still be able to live your best life. Know that I am praying for you. That I understand what it’s like to be distracted and that you, too, can rise up and find your balance once again. So, get out there, get real, find your center. Live your best life now!!

❤️, Angie

Literally, finding my center, at Miraval Resort’s labyrinth.

Get Out and Play

Street SUP on my new Kahuna Bombora Board

“Those who play rarely become brittle in the face of stress or lose the healing capacity for humor.”
Stuart Brown, MD

I have spent the past year making up for lost time.

For those of you who don’t know me or my story I was sidelined from my normal activities 7 years ago by a karate kick and multiple surgeries. I regained my life with an elective above knee amputation on December 19, 2018.

I have spent this past year setting and completing goals of all sizes and levels of difficulty. As I sit here and think about all I’ve accomplished I realize they all have one common thread: they are fun! Yes, fun! I had fun setting the ”impossible” goals. I had fun training for these “impossible” goals, and you guessed it, I had fun accomplishing them, as well. Impossible is only a mindset, or a comment made by someone who sets limitations on themselves or others. For example, I was told I would never walk again if I amputated, by a doctor…. A DOCTOR!!!

As my 1st year as an amputee came and went I started to look at what was next, what goal did I want to achieve? I realized that I wanted to focus on having fun. I wanted to go out and play. As I started to learn how to skateboard, street SUP, and scooter around my neighborhood I realized the health benefits as well. Not only was I outside enjoying time with my teenager in activities he loved, I was gaining balance, control of my new norm and learning new skills while I laughed and amazed myself. This was a far cry from what I expected I’d ever be able to do again in my life. And I was told I’d never walk again! HA! Please don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. If you have a goal, a drive, and a positive attitude then the sky’s the limit. Go for it! Try new things. Adapt! Live the life that you want to live.

I realized that this past year I have enjoyed what I have accomplished, I am a happier person for it. Also, one thing I have noticed is that happy, positive people attract happy, positive people. I am so grateful for all the amazing people I have met this past year. I am a better person for it, because of those who have entered my life. I am amazed at the turn my world took the day I made the decision to amputate. I have never, not once, regretted my decision and I am grateful to a God who loves me enough to never leave me and who has bless me with this life I am getting to live.

So, what are you going to do to start really living your life? Get out there, make a difference, set a goal. Laugh and play. Try new things. Master something that you’ve always wanted to do. Smile and you’ll be surprised at the reaction of the world around you. I believe in you!

Now, go play!